by Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell Jr.

I have served as a United States Senator from the great state of Kentucky since 1985.  I am the current Senate Minority Leader and hope to see my party in the majority someday.  I have devoted myself to public service in this fashion since the actress Ashley Judd was in junior high school.  When it came to my attention that Judd was going to challenge me for my senate seat, you bet I was angry.

Every six years, I have to audition for my job.  How would you feel if that were the case with your job?  Unless you’re a member of the House of Representatives, up for rehire every 2 years, my situation probably strikes you as pretty bad.

Now, the difference between you and me is probably this — I really like my job while you are likely ambivalent about yours.  I make excellent money and now control assets worth between $9 million and $44 million and that was back in 2011, when I last disclosed.  The markets have gone up since then, for which I take partial credit.  I am rich, I am powerful and I am happy.  I want to remain a Senator!

So, when somebody bugged my Kentucky campaign headquarters, they heard me say this about the lesser of the Judds:

“She’s clearly, this sounds extreme, but she is emotionally unbalanced. I mean it’s been documented. Jesse can go in chapter and verse from her autobiography about, you know, she’s suffered some suicidal tendencies. She was hospitalized for 42 days when she had a mental breakdown in the 90s.”

Then, the recordings were given to a writer named David Corn at something called Mother Jones.  I don’t know.  I don’t read that.  I don’t think anybody does.  But I want to know, seriously, are you surprised?  This woman wants to steal my job, and yes, I will crush her to keep it.

Judd has lived a charmed life.  She is good looking.  As a child, she was on Star Trek: The Next Generation, playing the enviable role of love interest to Wesley Crusher.  She has had her life handed to her and I’ll be damned if I am going to let her take from me.

How does somebody who has had such an easy, charmed life wind up hospitalized for 42 days?  That is two days longer than Jesus Christ spent in the desert, being tormented by Satan himself.  When she was not in mental hospitals, Judd has starred in movies with needlessly titillating titles like Kiss The Girls, based on a novel by liberal porn author James Patterson.

Now, chances are that the good people of Kentucky would never replace a high profile incumbent like me with the likes of Judd, a washed up actress who had to go back to school to get a degree in “public administration.”  But, I am not about to take chances like that.

I am Mitch McConnell and if you come for my job, I will crush you.  I spent $21 million to get re-elected in 2007 and I started raising money immediately for 2014.  My re-election committee even started with $7 million in the bank.  That’s right, I can beat you with my leftovers.  If I can’t raise enough, I can order Reince Preibus (maybe you remember him from Star Trek, Ashley — he’s a Romulan) to feed me more.

Let this be a warning to any of you.  Do. Not. Come. For. My. Job.  I can beat you with one word sentences.

This has been a guest column for Amazing Opinions. -Ed.